Remembering Grandpa

My grandpa died on March 3. His name was Gerald and he was 89 years old.

Gerald and Dessie with my dad.

I miss him and I loved him very much. I am also thankful that he is no longer suffering from dementia. This sort of grief makes me feel conflicted. I felt this same way when my grandma died in 2010 and when my dad died in 1996. They were all terminally ill so when they died, I felt a sense of relief that accompanied the loss. I don't like feeling this way. It's really confusing.

My grandpa is now with my dad and my grandma. He is home. There was no funeral or memorial. I guess that he didn't want anything and it wasn't my decision to make. This tiny memoir is my memorial to my grandpa. I need to reflect on his life. He deserves to be recognized for being a good man.

Me and grandpa on my wedding day.

Gerald was sort of a quiet man. He was hard working, having retired from General Motors, and provided well for his family. He loved his family and enjoyed being around others. You could tell because he would get a certain look on his face. It was a combination of peacefulness and pride in his family and friends. It was a look of happiness.

Grandma and grandpa.

My grandpa found little things amusing. For one anniversary, my husband and I bought grandpa and grandma a weekend at a bed and breakfast in St. Augustine. They had so much fun. After dinner one evening, we walked them back to their room. The bed was turned down and there were chocolates on their pillows. My grandpa thought the chocolates were condoms. We laughed until our stomachs hurt.

At home in Florida.

He didn't like asking for help. We had a family cabin in Michigan - it was on an island on a lake. One summer, he needed to do some work on the cabin. My husband and I were taking a vacation to Michigan and asked him to wait until we got there so we could help. He didn't wait and ended up falling off of a ladder. He laid outside on the ground for hours before my grandma came looking for him. There's no phone on the island so my grandma had to yell for a fisherman to come pick him up and take him to the hospital.

When my husband and I finally arrived, we still went to the island. My grandpa had no problem getting into the rubber raft at the landing with his walker. He was one of the most determined men I've ever known.

He loved fishing.

He was the only grandpa I knew. I always remember him being there - as a child, a teenager and an adult. We were close - even when I lived across the country, he and my grandma were there for me. He was there for dance recitals, graduations, my move to college, vacations, my dad's death, birthdays and my wedding.

My grandpa and I before a dance recital.

One of the things that I will remember the most about him was his love for my grandma. They were amazing. She used to get frustrated with him and he would just laugh. He would sneak kisses when he thought no one was watching and he simply adored her. I hope that my marriage is as long as theirs. I pray that my marriage is as full as Gerald and Dessie's was.

Love is forever.

Grandpa, you will always be in my heart. I will remember you forever.

God on a Shelf

The past six weeks have been a whirlwind. I moved. Unpacked boxes. Started a new job. Met a lot of new people. Unpacked more boxes. Got the flu. Began learning new systems at work. Sat by a fire. Went to a really cool outdoor movie. Unpacked more boxes. Bought cheap household items at Ikea. Traveled to Atlanta for a conference. Stayed up late to watch The Walking Dead marathon. And, this week, I will continue to unpack even more boxes.

I have to wonder: will the boxes ever get emptied?

Throughout all of this, I've been moving really fast: physically and mentally. I compartmentalize the things in my mind. It has been a sort of defense mechanism, this go-go-go mentality, to help with the tremendous amount of change I have endured the past month and a half. For me, this was necessary.

However, I realized that this self-protection type of mentality has kept me from reflecting on all the changes in my life. I haven't really absorbed or savored them. This tunnel vision has kept me from connecting with God, too. I put Him on a shelf and I miss Him.

The great thing is knowing that He is there for me, waiting on me to come around. I am not alone and, because I believe that Jesus is my savior, I will never be alone again. There will always be someone to confide in. Someone to love me. When I begin to drift, He will inspire me and motivate me to embrace all of the blessings in my life.

Prayer: I'm sorry, God, for putting You on a shelf. I forgot that You are my Rock. I lost sight of you and I am aching to be with You again. To feel close to You. To be centered in You. Help me stay centered in Christ and continue discovering who I am in You.

Who Moves During the Holidays?

Christmas morning was me on my computer, listening to my husband snore. Our tiny tree was lit and illuminated the chaos of the upcoming move. We're sleeping in the living room while surrounded by boxes, lamps, a carpet cleaner and lots of stuff. Next came cinnamon rolls and coffee while we watched A Christmas Story. Then packing and cleaning. Amazing friends invited us to share in their Christmas tradition and we all ate Chinese food together, told stories, laughed and drank wine. It was wonderful.

Christmas is over and we're still moving. There are less boxes as well as furniture. I'm sitting in a camp chair as I write. I keep thinking about my comfy sofa that is already in our new house. I bet that he misses us. I sure do miss him. The carpet cleaner is next to the TV. Vehicles are packed and waiting for the final trip to our new home on Monday. I said my goodbyes at work. I am ready for change.

I am excited about the move, my new job, our new city and the 1950's home that my family will be moving into. I am thankful for the blessings in my life. For new opportunities and to be moving to such a beautiful area in Florida. God is so good.

I am worried about my dog. He's 16 years and 4 months old. Over the past few months he's become more and more blind. I think that he gets around by memory more than sight. I have no idea how he will make this transition and I am praying that he does well. Even though I am worried about him, I am also so thankful that he is still a part of our lives after such a long time. He's still happy, absolutely loves to eat and barks at people who walk past him as he sunbathes on our balcony. Floyd is an awesome old dog.

Christmas was different this year. I didn't see family. My husband and I did not buy any gifts for anyone. It's a Wonderful Life accidentally got packed so I couldn't watch my favorite Christmas movie. The day wasn't the coziest Christmas. It was just the way it was. The way it was supposed to be at this time in my life. God has big plans for my husband and I and we are following Him on His schedule (even during Christmas).

Merry Christmas

Embracing Change - the Good, the Bad and the Ugly

I have been searching for something new for a very long time. Be in a new place. Find my dream job. Embrace experiences that freak me out. I wanted:

 Change

There were months and months of searching, applying for jobs, interviews, prayer, moments of complete neurotic breakdowns, quiet reflection, tears and sleepless nights. Now, I am finally embarking upon a new:

 Journey

I am making an amazing career move and I am both excited and nervous. The organization that I will be working with has been serving children for over 100 years and I love their mission as well as their reputation around the country. I will be leading a team of professionals who are doing awesome work in the community and who are making a difference in children’s lives on a daily basis. I cannot wait to get there and practice:

 Creative Leadership

Since my new job is 100 miles from where I currently live, I will be moving. There are boxes in my living room (lots of them) and it looks like a tornado came through the bedroom. Usually, I cannot stand it when it is like this. I loathe clutter. It isn’t bothering me, though. I am focused on my new house, in my new neighborhood, in my new city. The chaos in my life is being overshadowed by a wonderful sense of:

 Peace

This journey has been long, stressful, exhausting and at times I felt as though I wouldn’t make it through. I became deflated on more occasions than I’d like to admit. Thankfully, my husband kept encouraging me to move forward. I have learned so much throughout this experience.

1. God is in control. For a control-freak, this was the most difficult lesson I learned. I had a plan and I put that plan into place. That was over a year ago. I finally realized that it was not God’s plan. Ah Ha moment. I had to learn how to let go and give everything to Him. This was not easy and it took me a while to fully understand how to do this. Things started clicking when I learned how to pray.
2. Pray authentically. A friend of mine offered some of the best advice I have ever received. When I mentioned to her that I felt guilty for praying for the perfect job when there were so many people in the world who desperately need work, she suggested that I open up to God about this. So, I did. I was driving to work and offered Him the most authentic prayer of my life. The very next day, I was presented with an interview. Within a couple of weeks, I had four different leads.
3. Have faith. The four leads turned into four interviews in a very short time. Suddenly, I was faced with having to make a decision between various job opportunities. I was so amazed at how God was showing me different paths that I just didn’t worry. I knew that He would show me which path to take. I prayed and I let go. I had faith in Him and His plan for my life.  
4. Be thankful. After I was offered my new job, I called my husband. I was sitting in my car in an elementary school parking lot. As soon as I hit the send key, I lost it. I cried so hard that I couldn’t talk. I was amazed at how God was working in my life. I was relieved to finally have been offered my dream job. I was so thankful that God presented me with such an amazing opportunity. He was listening. The tears were a release after so much searching and uncertainty. They were also tears of joy and thankfulness. It was one of the most cathartic experiences of my life.

 Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we don’t see.

 Hebrews 11:1