The Scent of Play-Doh

I just love the way Play-Doh smells.  I love it so much that I bought some the other day.  Squishing the purple, pink, and green moulding clay between my fingers brought me back to my childhood - a time when things seemed simple.  Why was that?  Was it because we didn't watch the news as children and had no idea what the world was really like?  Or maybe, because cleaning our rooms and remembering to brush our teeth were our only responsibilities?  I'm not opposed to being aware of what is happening in the world or having responsibilities - I'm just realizing that it isn't easy balancing them with living a simple life. 

I've been thinking a lot about balance and of holding two or more opposing values.  How do you embrace both the essence of adulthood and childhood?  What about responsibility and spontaneity?  How do you hold both life and death?  Though I don't know the answers, I think it is important to ask the questions.  When I first began seeing things from a "both" perspective versus an "or" perspective, I felt a sense of relief.  I didn't feel pressured to choose and I felt like I could just be open.  For example, I hate that people are dying in war.  At the same time, I understand that there are times when we need to fight.  Instead of choosing one side over the other - I am trying to embrace both.  I am trying to hold both the fear that I have for my cousin's life with pride that he is fighting for freedom. 

During times like these, when I become confused and overwhelmed, I've learned to take a few deep breaths.  And now, thanks to my new Play-Doh, I will lay on my sofa, squish it between my fingers and open myself up to what the world wants me to take in.                       

Great Husbands

Here's to great husbands.  The kind who knows exactly what you need after a long day of work.  Somehow, my husband knew that grilled steak and homemade American fries were exactly what I needed this evening.  I rushed home from work, trying so hard not to speed, my mouth watering with a feeling of excitement radiating throughout my entire body.  The freshly poured glass of wine was just a bonus. 

He just doesn't make me dinner either.  My husband also knows me.  The real me.  I don't have to hide my neuroses around him - I wouldn't even know how to.  He understands that I mumble when I don't feel like talking and that I don't like drinking coffee until I've had a chance to wake up.  When I "organize" his things, he is patient when searching through drawers and closets.  On those rare occasions when I feel like eating chips and dip for dinner, he doesn't say anything.  And when I ask if he minds watching a couple of Golden Girls episodes, he sits next to me and laughs along. 

I have the most wonderful husband ever.  He is my best friend and the person who I will spend the rest of my life with - in this world and in the next.  Thanks, God.  Good job!

Zombie Reflections

I have recently made a decision to become fit.  I was watching Zombieland and realized that if a zombie virus ever takes over America, I would really like to stay human.  I have gained a new appreciation for fitness - I really want to be able to run away from a pack of zombies if needed.  The yoga that I practice and the walks that I go one will be really helpful if I ever need to fight off a zombie.  I need to start doing cardio as well and maybe some kickboxing.  I wonder if Darwin ever considered zombies to be a part of his theory of survival of the fittest.  It definitely has become a part of mine.

Why is it so difficult to do what we know is good for us?  I've got the eating healthy part down.  It is the exercise routine that I haven't quite embraced that keeps taunting me, though.  The opposite applies as well.  We allow so many bad things to be a part of our lives - becoming overwhelmed and stressed, worrying about money, fearing death, forgetting the simple things, letting negativity creep its way into our lives.  It seems strange that it is easier to feel guilt and regret than it is to workout.  What really matters anyway?  Isn't life is about living?  In the end, worry and guilt will get us no where.  I'd rather spend my time living a positive and healthy life.  Ultimately, that is what will keep me alive if a zombie virus becomes epidemic.       

Homesick

Who knew I was homesick?  I sure didn't.  One day while my husband & I were talking about our future, we both realized that we wanted to go home.  We were faced with the ultimate question:  Where is home?  Our home is St. Augustine, FL and we arrived about six weeks ago.  St. Augustine is an amazing city and she welcomed us back with open arms - sort of like how I imagine God welcoming us into heaven.  She's not even upset that we left.

Home is the place where I fell in love with my husband.  It is the place that feels comforting.  Being here feels natural.  The air smells differently, the sun feels warmer, the rain is almost spiritual, and the chirping of crickets at night sounds like the most beautiful music in the world.  I didn't realize how much I missed this place, that I was even longing for it.  I have embarked on a new journey - a journey to happiness.  Not survival, not contentment.  Happiness.  I will take risks here.  I will raise my child here.  I will grow old with my husband here.  I belong here.  I am home and I am happy.             

Coming Up for Air

When I applied to graduate school, no one mentioned how difficult it would be to balance coursework, a full-time career, my family, and myself.   The past three years have felt surreal.  I didn't realize how engrossed I was in learning and working until I finished my very last course a few days ago.  I was drowning in busyness and I am finally coming up for air.  I can breathe again.  I can do nothing and I can do anything.

I knew that going back to school would be challenging but I didn't realize how much it would consume me.  I felt like I was crazy at times.  For an entire month I cried every evening before being able to start my statistics homework.  I was trapped by own feelings of incompetence and fear.  Tears were my release - they washed away my stressors and gave me the strength that I needed to work. 

When I was involved in very emotional work, my anxieties revealed themselves in my dreams.  I had extremely violent dreams.  They were the kind of dreams that I will never ever forget.  They still linger in my thoughts.  I am certain that even Rob Zombie could not have written a screenplay as disturbing as the visions that haunted me.

Now, other than completing my exit portfolio, I have finished my graduate work.  I feel as though I am reborn.  I don't know what I want to do with my life or where I will end up in five years.  Who really wants to know?  For the first time, I feel like anything is possible, I am inspired to take risks, and I am excited about the unknown.  The confidence and peace that I feel have made the past three years of sacrifice and struggle worthwhile.  I can breathe again and I finally have the time to take everything in.