My life is good. It has been a very long time since I've experienced true heartache. I was lying in bed last night, wide awake at 3:00 in the morning, and literally thought that my heart was going to explode. I am devasated at the imminent grief and loss that my family will soon experience. Death lingers in the air and I cannot escape it. As much as I pray and as much as I hope, I have to accept the fact that my grandma is dying.
As I left her home and traveled back to mine, I stared out the car window at the sunset. As beautiful and vivid as the colors were, the only thing that I could think about was whether or not I would see her again. These are the same excrutiating thoughts that I would have every time I drove away from my terminally ill father. I never knew if the weekend that I had just spent with him would be the last. I couldn't stay with him and I can't stay with her - I have my own life and my own family that I must take care of. I understand this, but at the same time, I feel like I am abandoning my family, my past and my dad all over again. I feel helpless and confused and really, really sad.
I've been praying a lot more but I don't always know what to ask God for. Is it that my grandma feels His presence and is comfortable? Or, is it that my grandpa finds peace during all of this? Sometimes, I pray that God brings me sleep. How am I supposed get through a day when I've only slept 4 hours? How do we get through life when we know that death is waiting for us? I've been asking these questions and I don't have any answers. This void, this sadness, makes my heart break. I know that life is full of wonder and that there are times for love, anger, growth, death, birth, war and peace. This is my time to miss my grandma. This is my time for heartache.