When every aspect of my life is not perfect, I feel the need to make a change and do something different. Over the past few years, these changes have been moves. When my life isn't going exactly the way I'd like for it to go, I start getting this gypsy-like feeling. It might begin with changing jobs but then I end up looking at other places to live. Confusion will eventually emerge along with internal conflict and finally a sense of despair. At first, I thought that the despair came from wanting something but not knowing what I want. However, I realized that it is really about wanting so much out of life and not knowing where to start.
The problem with chasing happiness is that I'm running in circles. This is exhausting. I am the reason for my own exhaustion and inability to be fully present. This is what I realized: I am so adverse to drama and negativity that when I start feeling out-of-sorts my initial instinct is to make a huge change and embark on a different journey. I want to leave instead of work through things. Though, if I continue to do this, I will stop growing and I will lose depth. No place is drama-free and no life is perfect. I am usually good at seeing the positive in any situation but lately I have lost touch with this ability in my own life.
When I really look at my life, I love most aspects of it. I love the city I live in, my marriage is wonderful and my husband is my best friend, I've started writing again, I have embraced my love for photography, I am blessed to live by the beach, I can provide for my family and I have found God.
The one area where I am not completely fulfilled is my work life. Yes, I could make a change and maybe I will in the future. I don't want to feel like I am in limbo and waiting for something I don't have, though. I want to make the best of what I do have and reflect on what I am thankful for in my work: I am thankful for having a job where I have both the ability and opportunity to make real change in my community, my work is founded on creating relationships and I love seeing them flourish, working with children is amazing and they always change my perspective on the world as well as myself, I can role model strength, authenticity and compassionate service with those I work with and I truly believe in the work that my agency is doing.
Happiness is all around me. God has shown me so many blessings and I love my life. I am declaring that today, February 20, 2012, I will stop being an idiot. I will stop chasing happiness and instead embrace what He has already given me. I will stop feeling paralyzed by uncertainty and complexity. I want so much out of life and don't know where to start? I will begin here, in this moment.
|My boardwalk to the beach. I am truly blessed.|