Mind Junk

I feel cluttered. I keep picturing that my mind is full of junk. Sort of like this:

In times like these, I think too much. Way too much. I think about discovering new places and traveling the country with my husband and writing every day and becoming my own boss. I wonder what it feels like to be so confident that I sing along with Tori Amos. The beautiful lyrics floating from my stomach to my heart, through my throat and onto my tongue.

I think about starting an LLC so that I am prepared for all of the entrepreneurship opportunities that are on my bucket list. I think about work. Not as much as I used to but I hope that I am making a difference. I am faced with many new challenges and quite a few of them are outside of my comfort zone. My leadership capacity is being tested and I'm finding that I have to make decisions in more direct and assertive ways than I ever have before. I surprise myself sometimes. Am I being direct or a bitch? I am unsure sometimes.

I stopped reading the bible and I have no idea why. I know that I need to start again but I haven't. I don't know why. Maybe it's the mind junk. I'm not sure but I am thinking that mind junk is a self-fulfilling prophecy. It's an excuse. A rationalization. An out. A way to build a wall to keep me from myself.

Maybe.

Or, maybe the mind junk is a catalyst. A way to open myself to a an mysterious vulnerability that will at first break my heart and then restore it, little by little. Becoming new again. Becoming me again.

Swimming

For the past month or so, my husband and I have been swimming almost every day. Sometimes, we even go two times. Usually, we begin by strolling down the walkway to our beach (I like to think of it as "our beach" even though other people use it, too).  Before I have a view of the shore, I am anticipating the waves.  Will they be big?  Or small?  I am happy either way - body surfing or just floating. 

 

I never intend to get my hair wet but I always do.  Over the years I have learned to dive into waves to keep them from crashing on top of me.  The salt makes my eyes burn a little but I like it.  It feels like Florida.  I remember spending the entire day at the beach when I was a child, swimming with my family and spending hours in the water.  Now, after just 15 minutes I feel completely refreshed and like a new person.  I am reminded of the important things in life.

After the beach, we walk back to our condo property and stop to wash the sand off of our feet.  Then, we take a dip in the pool.  Our swims in the pool can last an hour or more.  This morning, I did handstands in the shallow end.  At the moment my feet are directly over my head, I feel completely connected to my body.  My mind, body and soul are one.  I'm not doing some physical activity while my mind is somewhere else.  I realize that I don't feel this connected often enough.  I think too much.  I need to let go and float more.  It really does make everything better.

Just Move

I am trying to stay strong in my faith and in believing that God has a plan for me. It has been challenging, though. I feel like shit. There is so much of almost every kind of emotion swirling around me that I don't really know how to deal with any of it. The thing that it causing me to feel guilty is the fact that I am not experiencing any trauma in my life, no one in  my family is sick or dying, I'm paying the bills, I live by the beach, I am healthy and I have a good marriage. I know that I have a wonderful life. But still. It is there, lingering beneath the surface of my daily routine: restlessness and confusion and whatever else I'm feeling.

Even though I appreciate my life and all of God's blessings, I cannot help feeling this way. Isn't embracing life about taking in everything? The good and the bad? If I deny what I'm feeling, I won't be able to understand it and I won't be able to change it. Of course, I'd love to be happy all of the time and be grateful every second of every day but this is life and life is messy.

All this negativity that I have been feeling surfaced in my body today. My muscles ache, my chest hurts and I feel. . . activated. It's like a sensory overload and I thought that I was going to go crazy this evening. I didn't know what to do but I needed to do something.

So, I tidied up my bedroom and rolled out my stationary bike. I downloaded a few new songs from iTunes and rode my bike for almost an hour. I created a new playlist titled "Full Moon" (it's July 3 but that is close enough) and turned the music up loud. Loud enough that it not only drowned out the negativity I've been feeling but absorbed it as well. I rode my bike fast and I didn't slow down. Have you ever felt like you just have to move? To express yourself? Scream, sing and cry? Dance, kick and run? Sweat? To feel alive?

We have to let things out and as much as I believe in the process of writing and the practice of reflection, sometimes they just won't do. Sometimes, we need to kick negativity's ass (literally). All of the work that I have been doing to change my life course has kept me at the computer longer than I normally am. It has worn me out so much that I've lost energy and drive. Maybe the physical pain I've been feeling was God's way of waking me up? Maybe He is telling me to balance things in my life? I don't really know for sure but I do sense that something has changed.

When I finished exercising, I put my bike back in its place and listened to the last few songs while practicing yoga. As I laid on the floor, stretching my body and rubbing my dog's ears, I remembered that I have control over the way I feel. If I am feeling like shit, I can do something to change it. Linkin Park helps.  

Beach Therapy

I’ve lived by the beach almost my entire life and I am thoroughly grateful.  I find the beach to be therapeutic for it fosters my connection with God and helps me be present.  The beach calls out to me.  I might be sitting on my balcony or walking my dog and when I hear the ocean, whatever my initial intentions were, somehow I end walking to the beach.  10 minutes of fresh salt air, the sound of the waves and seagulls, feel of the sand on my feet (because I just have to take my flip flops off) and expansive horizon remind me of the important things in life and I am humbled.   

I wrote about how therapeutic the beach is for me a couple of summers ago and I’d like to re-visit this post as it describes exactly how I was feeling in that moment:

The Beach

I've been feeling really overwhelmed. I really love my job but it is very challenging. I have been working extremely hard - harder than I ever have in my entire life. I'm trying to put things into perspective and accept that I can only do so much. I haven't been doing a good job, though. Well, until my husband and I went to the beach yesterday.

I had forgotten how amazing the beach is. Going to the beach is better than taking anti-depressants. I sat in my pink beach chair, drank a few beers, squished sand through my toes and thanked God for creating such a beautiful world. I waded into the ocean intending only to get my feet wet but the water felt so refreshing, I had to jump in. Diving into waves and completely immersing myself in the cool, teal water washed away all of my stress, anxiety and exhaustion.

My husband and I laid in six inches of water, rubbed sand through our fingers, kissed each other under our cowboy hats and talked about how wonderful our lives are. The current was so strong that our bodies swayed with the rhythm of the waves - it was one of the most natural feelings ever. I love going to the beach and I go quite often. For some reason though, that day at the beach will be a moment I will always remember. I felt pure and happy and refreshed. It was the kind of feeling that reminds me of what is important in life - like the scent of the ocean, watching a hawk dive for fish, remembering how salt water turns my husband's eyes a beautiful blue-green color, and eating Twizzlers while the sun warms my skin and absorbs all things negative.   

Bedtime Reflections

For the first time in a while, I am feeling really productive.  I have been very cognizant about finding balance in my life and things are starting to fall into place.  My work is not overwhelming me like it has been the past few months.  Writing and photography have integrated into my daily routine.  I'm finally transcending out of the funk I've been in and practicing yoga again as well as exercising. 

My newest adventure is learning how to play the ukulele.  I've been wanting one and a few days ago my husband surprised with a brand new beautiful uke.  I haven't read music or played an instrument in over 18 years.  Music is another creative outlet that I am happy to reconnect with.  More to come on my ukulele adventures during the A to Z Blogging Challenge.

Time just flies by.  When I glance at the clock and see that it is 9:00, I think of all the things I still want to accomplish before bed.  I don't feel pressured or anxious, just excited and full of adrenaline.  My prayers about embracing creativity and happiness are being answered right before my eyes.  I came across some scripture the other day that I fell in love with:

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;

In all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight.

Proverbs 3:5-6 

Walking with God, Florida-Style

Sometimes, Life is Just Plain Crazy

This morning, when I was walking Floyd, I prayed that God help me find balance and I asked Him to help me create a healthy perspective about work.  I planned on being extra healthy this week - exercise every day, no alcohol or sugar, lots of writing, reading my Bible, practicing yoga twice per day - and then I got slammed at work today.  It completely changed my outlook on this evening (I'm hoping not the entire week).  I couldn't help having a beer while I cleaned out my car and I'll probably chill the rest of the night and have some wine.  I'm totally burnt and I loathe the feeling of not being able to keep up at work.  I only have so many hours in the week because I absolutely refuse to work over 45 hours.  Maybe if I made $80,000 per year I could justify working over 50 hours per week.  But I don't.  Not even close.  I keep moving time that I block to get things done on my calendar.  I don't know where to move everything.  I can't fit it all in. 

How do you give 200% of yourself at work and still have time to exercise, cook a healthy meal, do the dishes and laundry, exercise, practice yoga, write and connect with your family on the same day?  I don't even have kids.  When I think of all the moms out there - whether they are working at a job or at home - I am filled with such appreciation.  Being a woman is difficult, working is hard, finding balance is very challenging and sometimes, life is just plain crazy. 

I've learned a lot of things through my life and also during my graduate studies.  I haven't quite internalized the concept of balance, though.  I don't want to be one of those women who spend all of their energy at work.  I don't want to dream about work-related things or wake up with work on my mind.  I want to enjoy life.  Today, I did not do a good job.  I did clean out my car and I am writing this blog - I guess that is something.  Tomorrow is a new day and I will start over.

Is it Friday Yet?

I'm completely exhausted.  I mean really, really tired.  Work is kicking my ass and my vacation cannot come soon enough.  In just a few days (four to be exact), I will be camping in a national forest and swimming in a natural spring.  My cell phone does not get service and I will not have access to the internet - thank God.  I need some time to sit in silence, absorb fresh air and savor things such as the warmth of the sun, the scent of a campfire and my family. 

I am planning on doing a lot of writing, too.  I haven't blogged in a while.  A few months ago I followed my dream and bought a small yacht.  Then, just a few days later, my husband & I realized that we didn't want to live on the boat so we sold it and moved to the beach.  I've been working on settling into a new place as well as enjoying bike rides and walks on the beach.  As much as I love my new home, I need to get away and go camping.  Camping is sort of spiritual.  When I am in the small space of my camper, I'm physically closer to my husband and my dog.  The close proximity naturally translates to emotional closeness and I become so thankful for everything God has given me.  When I am in this state of mind, I become more creative and I am hoping that this trip inspires me to follow through with some of the creative ideas that I have.  I also really want to sleep in every day, too.

Coming Up for Air

When I applied to graduate school, no one mentioned how difficult it would be to balance coursework, a full-time career, my family, and myself.   The past three years have felt surreal.  I didn't realize how engrossed I was in learning and working until I finished my very last course a few days ago.  I was drowning in busyness and I am finally coming up for air.  I can breathe again.  I can do nothing and I can do anything.

I knew that going back to school would be challenging but I didn't realize how much it would consume me.  I felt like I was crazy at times.  For an entire month I cried every evening before being able to start my statistics homework.  I was trapped by own feelings of incompetence and fear.  Tears were my release - they washed away my stressors and gave me the strength that I needed to work. 

When I was involved in very emotional work, my anxieties revealed themselves in my dreams.  I had extremely violent dreams.  They were the kind of dreams that I will never ever forget.  They still linger in my thoughts.  I am certain that even Rob Zombie could not have written a screenplay as disturbing as the visions that haunted me.

Now, other than completing my exit portfolio, I have finished my graduate work.  I feel as though I am reborn.  I don't know what I want to do with my life or where I will end up in five years.  Who really wants to know?  For the first time, I feel like anything is possible, I am inspired to take risks, and I am excited about the unknown.  The confidence and peace that I feel have made the past three years of sacrifice and struggle worthwhile.  I can breathe again and I finally have the time to take everything in.