Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Just Move

I am trying to stay strong in my faith and in believing that God has a plan for me. It has been challenging, though. I feel like shit. There is so much of almost every kind of emotion swirling around me that I don't really know how to deal with any of it. The thing that it causing me to feel guilty is the fact that I am not experiencing any trauma in my life, no one in  my family is sick or dying, I'm paying the bills, I live by the beach, I am healthy and I have a good marriage. I know that I have a wonderful life. But still. It is there, lingering beneath the surface of my daily routine: restlessness and confusion and whatever else I'm feeling.

Even though I appreciate my life and all of God's blessings, I cannot help feeling this way. Isn't embracing life about taking in everything? The good and the bad? If I deny what I'm feeling, I won't be able to understand it and I won't be able to change it. Of course, I'd love to be happy all of the time and be grateful every second of every day but this is life and life is messy.

All this negativity that I have been feeling surfaced in my body today. My muscles ache, my chest hurts and I feel. . . activated. It's like a sensory overload and I thought that I was going to go crazy this evening. I didn't know what to do but I needed to do something.

So, I tidied up my bedroom and rolled out my stationary bike. I downloaded a few new songs from iTunes and rode my bike for almost an hour. I created a new playlist titled "Full Moon" (it's July 3 but that is close enough) and turned the music up loud. Loud enough that it not only drowned out the negativity I've been feeling but absorbed it as well. I rode my bike fast and I didn't slow down. Have you ever felt like you just have to move? To express yourself? Scream, sing and cry? Dance, kick and run? Sweat? To feel alive?

We have to let things out and as much as I believe in the process of writing and the practice of reflection, sometimes they just won't do. Sometimes, we need to kick negativity's ass (literally). All of the work that I have been doing to change my life course has kept me at the computer longer than I normally am. It has worn me out so much that I've lost energy and drive. Maybe the physical pain I've been feeling was God's way of waking me up? Maybe He is telling me to balance things in my life? I don't really know for sure but I do sense that something has changed.

When I finished exercising, I put my bike back in its place and listened to the last few songs while practicing yoga. As I laid on the floor, stretching my body and rubbing my dog's ears, I remembered that I have control over the way I feel. If I am feeling like shit, I can do something to change it. Linkin Park helps.  


  1. Stay strong, you will get over this and come out with greater faith. :)

  2. Life is like this...I remember feeling this way, years ago, then just having a heart to heart with God, lifting my hands & heart to Him and asking Him to take control of my life and really manage it. Incredible peace filled me. Life changed. But, I know, ...the day to dayish stuff can make us feel blah. We're only human. Hang in there.