There's a Hole in My Soul

There's a hole in my soul. It's because he is gone.

Floyd in his cool camper, enjoying a Malibu breeze.

Floyd died on August 26, 2014. He was 17 years old.

It was the most difficult decision of my life. It was horrible. The day before he was put to sleep, I cried like I never cried before. Once we made the decision, I walked through my office with sunglasses on, made it to my car and sobbed. Really sobbed. That night, I came home and cried some more. Every time I looked at Floyd, I knew it would be the last time. His last dinner. His last bedtime snack. His last . . .

Tuesday morning was surreal. My husband woke up before me. He cleaned out the truck. Made Floyd a bed in the back seat. Punched the directions to the animal shelter into the GPS. And put the shovel in the bed of the truck.

I took Floyd out for his last morning potty. He ate his last egg for breakfast.

Then, we got into the truck for the ride to his resting place. He was born in St. Augustine and he would die in St. Augustine.

We discussed different options. I looked into in-home euthanasia but it just didn't feel right. This isn't Floyd's home - we've only been here for 8 months. So, we decided to do it in our truck. The truck that has been a part of Floyd's life for the last 12 years. The truck that he took on many adventures. The truck that felt like home.

The 90 minute ride went okay. I fed Floyd leftover salmon from the night before. I figured that his last meal should be a good one. For a brief time, he became really anxious. It was bad. It was an acknowledgment from God that it was time. I tried to comfort him. After a while, he became relaxed. He rested his head on his Winnie the Pooh bear.

Then, we arrived. I felt like I would vomit. My husband could not go inside without stopping to compose himself. That moment was awful.

They don't usually euthanize dogs in vehicles. They made an exception after my tear-filled call and my husband's pleading. The two ladies who did it were very compassionate. One of them actually crawled into the front seat of the truck in order to hold Floyd. It took about 15 seconds for the sedative to start working. He became very sleepy and just let go into my husband's arms.

We kissed him and told him how much we love him. I kissed his ears for the last time.

When the ladies came back to administer the last shot, I couldn't watch. I was afraid that Floyd would cry. So, I walked away. I didn't hear any cries. I turned around and saw the anguish on my husband's face. It was pure sadness. He touched Floyd and looked into his eyes when he died. Floyd was not alone. He was loved up until the last breath. He is still loved.

We're not saying loved. We're saying love.

My husband dug Floyd's grave. He is buried at our friend's farmhouse. Horses watch over Floyd. He is buried with Winnie the Pooh and his toy puppy, Charlie. He is wrapped in blankets. There is a cross placed on his back. God is responsible for Floyd. Floyd is with Him. I know this. I feel this.

The space on the living room floor is empty. It's as empty as my heart. It's as empty as my soul. I don't know what to do with his leash. I don't know what to do with the rest of his toys or the cans of Pedigree that are still in the cabinet.

All I know is that I miss Floyd more than I ever could have imagined. I am grateful for the last 17 years but I also would do anything to kiss him again.

This sucks. It sucks really bad. There's a hole in my soul and I'm not sure if it will ever be filled again.

Goodbye, sweet Floyd.

Mind Junk

I feel cluttered. I keep picturing that my mind is full of junk. Sort of like this:

In times like these, I think too much. Way too much. I think about discovering new places and traveling the country with my husband and writing every day and becoming my own boss. I wonder what it feels like to be so confident that I sing along with Tori Amos. The beautiful lyrics floating from my stomach to my heart, through my throat and onto my tongue.

I think about starting an LLC so that I am prepared for all of the entrepreneurship opportunities that are on my bucket list. I think about work. Not as much as I used to but I hope that I am making a difference. I am faced with many new challenges and quite a few of them are outside of my comfort zone. My leadership capacity is being tested and I'm finding that I have to make decisions in more direct and assertive ways than I ever have before. I surprise myself sometimes. Am I being direct or a bitch? I am unsure sometimes.

I stopped reading the bible and I have no idea why. I know that I need to start again but I haven't. I don't know why. Maybe it's the mind junk. I'm not sure but I am thinking that mind junk is a self-fulfilling prophecy. It's an excuse. A rationalization. An out. A way to build a wall to keep me from myself.

Maybe.

Or, maybe the mind junk is a catalyst. A way to open myself to a an mysterious vulnerability that will at first break my heart and then restore it, little by little. Becoming new again. Becoming me again.

Embracing Change - the Good, the Bad and the Ugly

I have been searching for something new for a very long time. Be in a new place. Find my dream job. Embrace experiences that freak me out. I wanted:

 Change

There were months and months of searching, applying for jobs, interviews, prayer, moments of complete neurotic breakdowns, quiet reflection, tears and sleepless nights. Now, I am finally embarking upon a new:

 Journey

I am making an amazing career move and I am both excited and nervous. The organization that I will be working with has been serving children for over 100 years and I love their mission as well as their reputation around the country. I will be leading a team of professionals who are doing awesome work in the community and who are making a difference in children’s lives on a daily basis. I cannot wait to get there and practice:

 Creative Leadership

Since my new job is 100 miles from where I currently live, I will be moving. There are boxes in my living room (lots of them) and it looks like a tornado came through the bedroom. Usually, I cannot stand it when it is like this. I loathe clutter. It isn’t bothering me, though. I am focused on my new house, in my new neighborhood, in my new city. The chaos in my life is being overshadowed by a wonderful sense of:

 Peace

This journey has been long, stressful, exhausting and at times I felt as though I wouldn’t make it through. I became deflated on more occasions than I’d like to admit. Thankfully, my husband kept encouraging me to move forward. I have learned so much throughout this experience.

1. God is in control. For a control-freak, this was the most difficult lesson I learned. I had a plan and I put that plan into place. That was over a year ago. I finally realized that it was not God’s plan. Ah Ha moment. I had to learn how to let go and give everything to Him. This was not easy and it took me a while to fully understand how to do this. Things started clicking when I learned how to pray.
2. Pray authentically. A friend of mine offered some of the best advice I have ever received. When I mentioned to her that I felt guilty for praying for the perfect job when there were so many people in the world who desperately need work, she suggested that I open up to God about this. So, I did. I was driving to work and offered Him the most authentic prayer of my life. The very next day, I was presented with an interview. Within a couple of weeks, I had four different leads.
3. Have faith. The four leads turned into four interviews in a very short time. Suddenly, I was faced with having to make a decision between various job opportunities. I was so amazed at how God was showing me different paths that I just didn’t worry. I knew that He would show me which path to take. I prayed and I let go. I had faith in Him and His plan for my life.  
4. Be thankful. After I was offered my new job, I called my husband. I was sitting in my car in an elementary school parking lot. As soon as I hit the send key, I lost it. I cried so hard that I couldn’t talk. I was amazed at how God was working in my life. I was relieved to finally have been offered my dream job. I was so thankful that God presented me with such an amazing opportunity. He was listening. The tears were a release after so much searching and uncertainty. They were also tears of joy and thankfulness. It was one of the most cathartic experiences of my life.

 Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we don’t see.

 Hebrews 11:1 

Womanhood is Difficult

The last couple of weeks have been sort of heavy.  Not in a bad way.  Just days filled with deep thinking and reflection.  Some of them have been stressful.  Others have been sad.  A few days have felt strange and confusing.

I have an old friend going through a challenge - her first baby has a fatal diagnosis.  She and her husband have decided to carry their son to term.  Since finding this out, I have been in utter awe of her strength.  I keep asking myself what I would do.  Could I be that strong?  I just cannot get her out of my mind.  I pray for her and her baby almost every day.

I'm in awe of her strength but I'm also scared.  I am afraid that I might have come to a realization that I will probably never have a baby.  I am not ready to be a mother.  I don't know why.  I'm just not.  But this makes me very sad at the same time. 

I have been in a strange place regarding my career for over a year.  I have no idea what my purpose in life is.  Which translates to not knowing what I am supposed to do for work.  This completely stresses me out.  I am exhausted doing what I do.  I feel deflated.  Do you know this feeling?  It's knowing that you are absolutely, without a doubt, positive that something in your life needs to change but not knowing what that change is.  It's out there.  You can almost reach it.  Almost.

I am in womanhood limbo.  It both sucks and it also rocks.  It seems that as women, we are continually exploring who we are - testing limits, experimenting, growing, failing, succeeding, acknowledging our weaknesses while embracing our strengths at the same time.  It's just so much.  Some days, it's too much.

I don't know how to get past something like this.  Do you just think yourself through it?  Pray to God?  Be patient?  I'm really not sure.

So, instead of trying to figure out the answer, I decided to make peach cobbler for dessert.  It's gluten-free and has just a hint of Kahlua in it.  I haven't tried it yet but it smell delicious.  I'm hoping that it will make being a woman a little bit easier, even if it's just for tonight.

Waiting at the Dock

The Lord sends poverty and wealth; he humbles and exalts.

1 Samuel 2:7

 

Docked

 

Sometimes, I feel like I am waiting.  Waiting for the next chapter of my life.  Waiting to be better compensated for my hard work.  Waiting to grow my family.  Waiting for my dreams to come true.  Waiting for. . .

 

I think that we could always finish this sentence.  There's always something more, something else.  We're human after all.  We are driven, ambitious, always racing to the finish line.  It is not in our nature to be still.

 

Waiting at the dock isn't so bad, though.  This is when we get our bearings.  It's a time for rest and recuperation.  This is when we stretch and get our equilibrium.  Waiting is a necessary part of life.  It is when we become humble.  It is a time in our lives when we learn lessons that allow us to empathize with others.  Times of waiting make it possible for us to foster creativity and embrace uncertainty.  We can practice being still and quiet and reflective.   

 

 

*I'm participating in the 2013 A to Z Challenge. Every day in April (except for Sundays) I will be posting according to a letter of the Alphabet. To read more about my theme, click here.





Embracing the Broken

Broken dreams.  Broken relationships.  Broken hearts.  Being broken is a part of life. 

Broken Sand Dollars

I never wished for pain or disappointment.  I didn't want to lose my sense of self in my first serious relationship.  I didn't want my dad to die on my birthday.  I never would have imagined going four years without speaking to my family.  These things hurt.  They made me cry in agony and curse God.  There were times when I didn't think I would make it.  Can someone die from heartache?  I had moments where I thought so.  I felt discouraged and completely broken.

But, because I was broken, I am now stronger.  I am confident and assertive.  I trust in God and I learn from my mistakes.  If I hadn't been through my broken times, I wouldn't be who I am today.  These experiences, however painful they were, helped me become the woman I am - they molded me into today's Jaime because I learned to embrace them.  The Jaime who is both excited and nervous about the future.  The Jaime who is best friends with her husband.  The Jaime who can love her family and set boundaries at the same time.  The Jaime who loves God and has faith that He will never ever forsake her. 

*I'm participating in the 2013 A to Z Challenge. Every day in April (except for Sundays) I will be posting according to a letter of the Alphabet. To read more about my theme, click here.

Swimming Out of a Fog

For the past week or so I have felt like I've had a huge rock on my chest.  I worried that I had heart problems or some other health issue but knew that it was anxiety.  I don't remember ever being that anxious/stressed out/overwhelmed.  It was all self-imposed.  I don't know why.  I felt awful, like I was dying.  I knew that I needed to relax, pray, meditate, etc. but nothing I tried was working.  I became anxious about my anxiety.  It was getting bad.  I was in a fog.  I was suffocating.

Yesterday, the rock dissolved.  I actually felt it lift off of my chest while I was swimming.  My husband and I went to Salt Springs yesterday morning.  We were the only people in the springs, the sky was amazing and the water cleansed my spirit in a way that I couldn't imagine.  I'm still in awe.

It was as if God directed me to the spring so that I could be reminded of the important things in life.  I floated in the water, let my ears fill with it, and as the sun warmed my skin I completely let go of the enormous amount of anxiety I had been holding onto.  All I could hear was my own breath.  It reminded me of how precious life is.  It reminded me of the things I value, the life I was meant to live.

I have been awakened.  I know my purpose.  I accept that God is leading me in a brand new direction.  I am excited.  I vow to focus on only those things that matter.  Yesterday's swim was one of the most amazing experiences I ever had.  It was pure and beautiful.  I connected to God, my husband, my self, nature and my purpose in that water.  Moments like that make it so easy to be thankful.  A few posts ago, I wrote about asking God to be my energy.  He was yesterday.  He showed Himself in Salt Springs.  He gave me the energy that I was lacking and I have a renewed motivation to move forward. 

For your name's sake, Lord, preserve my life;

in your righteousness, bring me out of trouble. 

In your unfailing love, silence my enemies;
destroy all my foes, for I am your servant.

 

Psalm 143:11-12

 

Vertigo

I have another opportunity to make a change in my life.  It has been almost five months since I began this process.  At times I have been frustrated and impatient.  I keep reminding myself that God has a plan for me and things haven't moved forward because the the time is not right.  To be honest, this has not been easy to accept.  There are moments when I am so discouraged, I feel like I am falling.  I really am grateful for scripture.

I was pushed back and about to fall, but the Lord helped me. 

The Lord is my strength and my defense; he has become my salvation.

Psalm 118:13-14 

Good things emerge from our darkest moments. We just need to be patient and hope in the Lord.

Prayer:  God, I hope in you and I trust that you will open doors for me.  When I get discouraged, shower me with Your love and give me strength.  Thank you for being there when I feel like I am falling.  You are my safety net.  Amen.

I Needed to Read This Today

Sometimes, you just can't put how you are feeling into words. Overwhelmed? Crunchy? Feeling the effects of the impending full moon? Lamentations 3: 22-23:

Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.

Prayer: Lord, give me the wisdom to follow the path that you choose for me. During life transitions, help me focus on you and remember that your love will protect me from being consumed by negativity. I will wait as long as you want me to for the next journey you have planned for me. Thank you for new days. Amen.

Just Move

I am trying to stay strong in my faith and in believing that God has a plan for me. It has been challenging, though. I feel like shit. There is so much of almost every kind of emotion swirling around me that I don't really know how to deal with any of it. The thing that it causing me to feel guilty is the fact that I am not experiencing any trauma in my life, no one in  my family is sick or dying, I'm paying the bills, I live by the beach, I am healthy and I have a good marriage. I know that I have a wonderful life. But still. It is there, lingering beneath the surface of my daily routine: restlessness and confusion and whatever else I'm feeling.

Even though I appreciate my life and all of God's blessings, I cannot help feeling this way. Isn't embracing life about taking in everything? The good and the bad? If I deny what I'm feeling, I won't be able to understand it and I won't be able to change it. Of course, I'd love to be happy all of the time and be grateful every second of every day but this is life and life is messy.

All this negativity that I have been feeling surfaced in my body today. My muscles ache, my chest hurts and I feel. . . activated. It's like a sensory overload and I thought that I was going to go crazy this evening. I didn't know what to do but I needed to do something.

So, I tidied up my bedroom and rolled out my stationary bike. I downloaded a few new songs from iTunes and rode my bike for almost an hour. I created a new playlist titled "Full Moon" (it's July 3 but that is close enough) and turned the music up loud. Loud enough that it not only drowned out the negativity I've been feeling but absorbed it as well. I rode my bike fast and I didn't slow down. Have you ever felt like you just have to move? To express yourself? Scream, sing and cry? Dance, kick and run? Sweat? To feel alive?

We have to let things out and as much as I believe in the process of writing and the practice of reflection, sometimes they just won't do. Sometimes, we need to kick negativity's ass (literally). All of the work that I have been doing to change my life course has kept me at the computer longer than I normally am. It has worn me out so much that I've lost energy and drive. Maybe the physical pain I've been feeling was God's way of waking me up? Maybe He is telling me to balance things in my life? I don't really know for sure but I do sense that something has changed.

When I finished exercising, I put my bike back in its place and listened to the last few songs while practicing yoga. As I laid on the floor, stretching my body and rubbing my dog's ears, I remembered that I have control over the way I feel. If I am feeling like shit, I can do something to change it. Linkin Park helps.  

Finding My Spark: A Veggie Run

There are many different phases in life. I like this because it keeps things interesting. However, as much as I really want to embrace uncertainty, I'm not very good at it. I wish I was and I hope that one day I will be best embracer of uncertainty ever.

I'm at a crossroads in my life and I feel a bit off/not me/stuck. While I am working on pursuing another path in life, I am also trying to flourish in my current state. This is not easy because I am having to be in the moment and envision the future at the same time. It is growing, accepting and living my current life while I balance the visions, hopes and dreams of my future life.

In order to really be in the here and now, I am focusing on three things: developing a healthy well-being, fostering my creativity and actively pursuing the next steps of my life (patiently). To kickoff this sort of personal challenge, my husband and I went on a veggie run yesterday.

There is a local farm called The County Line which is about 15-20 miles from where I live. Normally, we spend between $8 and $10 for a week's worth of veggies. Yesterday, we spent $23 on local-grown cabbage, beets, carrots, cucumbers, tomatoes, onions, sweet potatoes, eggplant, various peppers, cantaloupe, grapefruit and a huge watermelon.

In order to find my spark, I have started with healthy eating. My husband has done a lot of research on pH balance in the body. We have started alkalizing* our bodies by changing the foods we eat. We've always ate pretty healthy but not consistently. These are the steps we're taking to alkalize:

1. Drink 2-3 baking soda waters per day (1/2 to 1 tsp. per glass of water)
2. Cut out alcohol (especially beer), sugar, dairy, eggs, bread, processed and fried foods
3. Decrease the amount of meat in our diets 
4. I am replacing the half & half in my coffee with almond milk (this will take a while to get used to)  
5. Eat a lot more alkaline-forming fruits and veggies      

Basically, we are just trying to eat cleaner. I am working on becoming healthy in my eating, taking care of myself and becoming stronger so that I can do God's work, enjoy my life and find peace. I found this verse that spoke to me about the kind of woman I want to be:

She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come.

- Proverbs 31:25

I know that we all go through phases like this - when we don't really feel like ourselves. I believe that there are reasons for times like these. I see them as catalysts for change, for true reflection and for getting motivated to do something completely new. If we are open-minded during times of uncertainty, we are presented with options never thought possible. Happy Sunday to all.

*There is a lot of information out there on acid and alkaline balance. Don't trust just one source and be vigilant in your research.

Directions

I often think about the direction my living room sliding glass doors face.  I live in a condo and I do not have many windows.  I only have three windows and two sets of sliding glass doors.  Even with so few windows, my condo is filled with light during the day.  The most wonderful time is in the mornings.  My balcony faces east and as the sun rises, it shines into my home to wake me up and help me start my day.

As I stumble into my kitchen to make a pot of coffee, I look through my sea foam-colored curtains toward the light.  I take a deep breath and give thanks for the day, the sun and the many blessings in my life.  I appreciate all of my experiences and I have no regrets.  In these moments I think about the directions my life has taken:

• From the east coast of Florida to the west coast of California where I completed my graduate work (a lifelong dream).
• Coming to the realization that I may never have a baby and not really knowing how I feel about this. Am I ambivalent or am I just hiding my true feelings?
• Losing my father on my 19th birthday and feeling lost without him. I also hate that my husband never knew my dad.
• Being okay with the relationships I have with family members; though, I will always wish that we were closer.
• Discovering that I love change, moving to different places and experiencing new adventures. I can't imagine staying in one place forever.
• Getting a pretty big adrenaline rush the first time I discovered EBay and ending up with some land in Arkansas.  Neither my husband nor I have been on EBay since that late-night purchase.
• Celebrating that 15 years ago today my husband and I became a couple. We had no idea our one night stand would turn into a beautiful life together. I never would have imagined that I'd meet my soul mate at a tavern over a pitcher of beer - God works in mysterious ways.

Sometimes I get anxious when I don't have a sense of where my life is headed.  It is so easy to feel lost instead of excited when I'm not sure what path I'm on or what direction to go.  I discovered a verse that I carry with me during moments like these.  

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;
In all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. 

Proverbs 3:5-6

Winding Path
Somewhere in Florida
(I have a bad memory & can't remember where this is)

Do you embrace all of your experiences or do you have regrets?

A Difficult Conversation

Tomorrow, I need to have a difficult conversation with someone and I am nervous.  I hate feeling anxious and I really do not want my stomach to be in knots for the next 14 hours.  So, I am attempting to process through this feeling and figure out how I can be okay with what will occur tomorrow.

Will it help if I expect the worst?  If I imagine crying, defensiveness, feelings of being attacked and worry about one's security then I won't be surprised if these emotions actually surface.  This might be a negative way of thinking but it does put things into perspective for me.  What if I was on the other side of the conversation?  How would I want to be spoken to?  I visualize this scenario because it helps me be as empathetic as I can be.  Finding the balance between assertiveness and compassion is not easy but I know it is possible for it is a leadership quality that I truly admire.  God, please help me embrace this quality tomorrow.

I feel like I need to keep my focus on why I will be confronting this person.  I must engage in this conversation - I have no choice.  If I don't provide those around me with honest feedback, how are they ever going to recognize both positive and negative behaviors?  Tomorrow will be a time for me to be authentic and to voice my genuine concerns, as difficult as this may be.  It isn't about me.  It is about doing what is right.  Doing what is right is not always the easy thing to do.

I'm reading the bible for the first time in probably a decade as I embark upon my new spiritual journey.  I can't remember where, but I read a passage about not worrying.  It doesn't accomplish anything.  It won't help, it won't make things easier, it won't change the outcome.  Deep breaths.  Prayer.  Believing that I am doing the right thing.  This is what has already relieved some of my anxiety.  Thank you to God and the blogosphere for being available for me to vent, reflect and process through my feelings.

Jaime's prayer:  Dear, God - please help me find the words that will cultivate change.  Relieve my anxiety so that I can be fully present, listen attentively and observe body language as well as emotions that are not given a voice.  Give me strength while I provide feedback so that it is beneficial to the person I will be speaking with.  Help me stay focused on the big picture.  Thank you for giving me the ability to recognize when things aren't right, even if I do not have the answers.  I truly appreciate Your presence, which is with me always.  Amen.