Womanhood is Difficult

The last couple of weeks have been sort of heavy.  Not in a bad way.  Just days filled with deep thinking and reflection.  Some of them have been stressful.  Others have been sad.  A few days have felt strange and confusing.

I have an old friend going through a challenge - her first baby has a fatal diagnosis.  She and her husband have decided to carry their son to term.  Since finding this out, I have been in utter awe of her strength.  I keep asking myself what I would do.  Could I be that strong?  I just cannot get her out of my mind.  I pray for her and her baby almost every day.

I'm in awe of her strength but I'm also scared.  I am afraid that I might have come to a realization that I will probably never have a baby.  I am not ready to be a mother.  I don't know why.  I'm just not.  But this makes me very sad at the same time. 

I have been in a strange place regarding my career for over a year.  I have no idea what my purpose in life is.  Which translates to not knowing what I am supposed to do for work.  This completely stresses me out.  I am exhausted doing what I do.  I feel deflated.  Do you know this feeling?  It's knowing that you are absolutely, without a doubt, positive that something in your life needs to change but not knowing what that change is.  It's out there.  You can almost reach it.  Almost.

I am in womanhood limbo.  It both sucks and it also rocks.  It seems that as women, we are continually exploring who we are - testing limits, experimenting, growing, failing, succeeding, acknowledging our weaknesses while embracing our strengths at the same time.  It's just so much.  Some days, it's too much.

I don't know how to get past something like this.  Do you just think yourself through it?  Pray to God?  Be patient?  I'm really not sure.

So, instead of trying to figure out the answer, I decided to make peach cobbler for dessert.  It's gluten-free and has just a hint of Kahlua in it.  I haven't tried it yet but it smell delicious.  I'm hoping that it will make being a woman a little bit easier, even if it's just for tonight.

You Know Me

You have searched me, Lord, and you know me. 

You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. 

You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all of my ways.
Psalm 139: 1-3

Sitting in Sand

I think that it is pretty awesome that God knows us so well and still loves us.  He loves us despite our neuroses and our fears and our weaknesses.  When I mess up, I know that He will not forsake me, that He will forgive me.  He knows my deepest thoughts - even those thoughts that are so undefined that I can't voice them.

Here are a few things that God knows about me and, now, so do you:

• I am terrified of not being able to support myself when I grow old.  This fear is almost paralyzing at times.
• Yesterday, I shot a 12-gauge shotgun for the first time.  Only twice - that was enough.  Everyone in those zombie apocalypse movies makes it look so easy.  It wasn't.  Shooting that gun scared me more than I imagined it would.  I'm pretty disappointed in myself.
• I am completely conflicted about having a baby.  One day I think that I'd love to and another day, I feel like maybe I'm not supposed to.  I just don't know what to do and I feel like I'm running out of time.
• I blame working an exhausting full-time job for keeping me from finishing the writing and photography projects that I have going on.  Though, the truth is that I am a procrastinator.  Big time.  I keep myself from those things that I don't accomplish and I totally hate this about myself.
• I turned 36 last week and I just do not feel like I am where a 36 year old woman should be.  I do not have things figured out like I thought I would.  I'm beginning to wonder if I ever will.

I absolutely love that God knows me - the real me.  Reminding myself of this helps when I feel like I'm losing my sense of self.  This is a truth that I ground myself in.  It is a rock.  He is my rock. 

*I'm participating in the 2013 A to Z Challenge. Every day in April (except for Sundays) I will be posting according to a letter of the Alphabet. To read more about my theme, click here.

Thirtysomething

I've been working on my blog and glanced at my profile.  I noticed that it still read that I am was in my early thirties.  When exactly does one transition from her early thirties to mid thirties?  Because, I think that I am there.  I've never really cared about age - mine or other people's.  My husband is 13 years older than I am, I have friends who are in their 50's and 60's and I have been known to hang out with a few 20 year olds. 

For some reason, realizing that I am in mid-thirties is lingering over me.  The thing is, I still feel young.  I love really loud hard rock music, I'm a bit of a gypsy, I'd have lots of tats if I didn't work in a professional environment and I still have many different adventures to go on.  I don't know what 34 is supposed to feel like but I do know that I don't feel 34.  The reality is, I am getting older - in both good ways and not-so-good ways.

So, for the not-so-good ways:  I can't sleep on my right side because my shoulder will start hurting; a 5th grader I work with joked that I could be her mother and, after I did the math in my head, I realized that she was correct; I am using my tweezers a lot more often than I did a few years ago; I'm really appreciating the power of push-up bras more and more; even if I become pregnant today, by the time I'd deliver I would be referred to as "advanced maternal age"; staying out until 10:00 p.m. is a late night; college students call me ma'am; and lately when I look at my feet, I see my mother's.   

Now, for the good ways:  the older I get, the less I care what people think of me; I am more confident in myself than I ever have been; if I forget my ID when I go out for a drink, it won't matter; I am no longer naive; I've become more patient and understanding; not only have I learned to say "no" but I'm comfortable with it as well; I have my own family; I've found true love; my husband is my best friend and I wouldn't have it any other way; I only dress up when I want to, not because I feel obligated (hell, I wore flip flops on my first night out in Vegas); I appreciate the art of reflection; and I am becoming much more spiritual.

I want to embrace all aspects of aging - the wisdom, patience and compassion along with the wrinkles, cracking joints and moments of forgetfulness.  I feel that those who rejoice in becoming older are beautiful and strong.  This life on earth is so short - God would want us to be happy.  As Bette Davis said, "Old age is no place for sissies".