Photography Healing

Photography helps me refocus myself. It's very healing. This has been especially helpful since I'm still mourning Floyd's loss.

"In photography there is a reality so subtle that it becomes more real than reality."

- Alfred Stieglitz

sea horse

 

 

beach shoes

 

 

hanging lanterns

 

 

Mind Junk

I feel cluttered. I keep picturing that my mind is full of junk. Sort of like this:

In times like these, I think too much. Way too much. I think about discovering new places and traveling the country with my husband and writing every day and becoming my own boss. I wonder what it feels like to be so confident that I sing along with Tori Amos. The beautiful lyrics floating from my stomach to my heart, through my throat and onto my tongue.

I think about starting an LLC so that I am prepared for all of the entrepreneurship opportunities that are on my bucket list. I think about work. Not as much as I used to but I hope that I am making a difference. I am faced with many new challenges and quite a few of them are outside of my comfort zone. My leadership capacity is being tested and I'm finding that I have to make decisions in more direct and assertive ways than I ever have before. I surprise myself sometimes. Am I being direct or a bitch? I am unsure sometimes.

I stopped reading the bible and I have no idea why. I know that I need to start again but I haven't. I don't know why. Maybe it's the mind junk. I'm not sure but I am thinking that mind junk is a self-fulfilling prophecy. It's an excuse. A rationalization. An out. A way to build a wall to keep me from myself.

Maybe.

Or, maybe the mind junk is a catalyst. A way to open myself to a an mysterious vulnerability that will at first break my heart and then restore it, little by little. Becoming new again. Becoming me again.

Funky Roses

Today, I needed to immerse myself in creativity and music in order to find balance. After an hour or so and a few Blow Pops later, Funky Roses emerged.

The perfect song to accompany my Funky Roses mood was "Don't Follow" by Alice in Chains. I love this song. It reminds me of the time in my life when I learned to let go. I was in college and had spent months grieving the loss of my dad. I was withdrawn and depressed. A friend encouraged me to go out with her and it ended up becoming an evening I will remember forever.

A group of us, sitting on the floor, drinking alcoholic beverages with our eyes closed moving to the music in our own unique ways. It was the first time in my life when I just let go of everything I had been holding on to. I felt free. I felt independent and connected. It was an amazing feeling.

Sometimes, I have to remind myself to let go and to embrace whatever emotion I'm feeling at the time. Even those feelings that are difficult and probably not be pretty. Most likely, they will be complex and messy - otherwise, I wouldn't need to remind myself.

When we do meditate and reflect on these types of feelings, interesting things can happen. We realize things about ourselves that are both scary and exciting. Hidden desires emerge and those things that are easy to bottle up bubble to the surface. We feel alive and activated. We can't ignore the complexities in life when we allow ourselves to delve into them. It's both horrible and beautiful at the same time. I love it.

Easter Reflections

Just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve,
and to give his life as a ransom for many.

Matthew 20: 28

It's easy not to get caught up in the commercialism of Easter when you don't have children. There are no Easter baskets or egg hunts or chocolate bunnies. There is space to meditate on the meaning of this day: sacrifice, love, pain and joy.

There is space to realize that I struggle with my Christianity. I struggle with keeping my connection with Jesus as the most important aspect of my life. It is a reminder that I must consciously and actively develop and nurture my relationship with Him. Little steps like reading scripture every day, praying with purpose and giving thanks for all of the blessings in my life.

Happy Easter!

This and That and Bike Week

It's an amazing Sunday afternoon here in central Florida. Beautiful. The weather is perfect - sunny, a blue sky, a small enough chill in the air that you can wear a groovy scarf and it rained yesterday so everything is extra green.

I started monitoring my food and exercise. It's not the D word that most women loathe - it's just eating healthier and being cognizant about exercising. I didn't stay within my goal twice this week but that's okay because it's only my first week. I'm using My Fitness Pal to track food and exercise. I love this because it's easy and it's free. It just takes planning and I love the kind of awareness that comes with really looking at the nutritional content of foods.

I can't believe that tonight is the season finale of the Walking Dead. This is the first season that I've watched in real time because I hadn't had cable in so long. Thank goodness for TV on DVD and season marathons. I really hope that none of the main characters die off. Especially Daryl.

I slept in this morning. Really slept in. I've only been awake for an hour and it's 12:41 p.m. My day includes lots of cleaning, a walk around a lake, 30 minutes on my stationary bike and giving my dog a bath. I love cleaning and now that I know I burn 243 calories an hour, it's even better!

I am not participating in the A to Z Challenge this year. I had the past two years and really enjoyed it. I just don't have it in me this year. I am still adjusting to my new job and the move. My creativity has been off balance. I just started getting back into photography again after a few months. Writing is still on hold. Here are a few new photos from a spontaneous trip to Daytona Beach during Bike Week. I love Bike Week - if you're observant enough, you can see life and humanity and beauty all around you.

assertiveness



embrace
 



flames

Merry Christmas

Everything is Going to be Okay

 

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers,

they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned;

the flames will not set you ablaze.

 

Isaiah 43: 2

 

 

 

 

Knowing that we are never alone is a very comforting truth. Happy Sunday. 



Ask. Seek. Knock

"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you."

 

Matthew 7: 7

 



Yellow Flowers

Flowers... are a proud assertion that a ray of beauty out values all the utilities of the world. 

 

~Ralph Waldo Emerson, 1844

Zzzz

I am tired.  And in dire need of some rest and rejuvenation as well as lots of sleep.  Zzzz.  Don't you just feel like laying out a blanket and taking a nap here?  Zzzz.  I sure do.

I might just do that.  I'm officially on vacation for two weeks (except for the three days that I'm at a conference) and I couldn't be more excited.  I'm going to use these two weeks to rest, rejuvenate, have fun, enjoy every second with my husband, take my dog to the beach a lot, go fishing and canoeing, make a scrapbook for my grandpa's birthday, get back to doing yoga, take long bike rides, read a few books, go on photo shoots and take naps.  Yeah! 

I hope that all of you participating in the A to Z Challenge get some rest, too.  Way to go everyone!

*I'm participating in the 2013 A to Z Challenge. Every day in April (except for Sundays) I will be posting according to a letter of the Alphabet. To read more about my theme, click here.

You Know Me

You have searched me, Lord, and you know me. 

You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. 

You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all of my ways.
Psalm 139: 1-3

Sitting in Sand

I think that it is pretty awesome that God knows us so well and still loves us.  He loves us despite our neuroses and our fears and our weaknesses.  When I mess up, I know that He will not forsake me, that He will forgive me.  He knows my deepest thoughts - even those thoughts that are so undefined that I can't voice them.

Here are a few things that God knows about me and, now, so do you:

• I am terrified of not being able to support myself when I grow old.  This fear is almost paralyzing at times.
• Yesterday, I shot a 12-gauge shotgun for the first time.  Only twice - that was enough.  Everyone in those zombie apocalypse movies makes it look so easy.  It wasn't.  Shooting that gun scared me more than I imagined it would.  I'm pretty disappointed in myself.
• I am completely conflicted about having a baby.  One day I think that I'd love to and another day, I feel like maybe I'm not supposed to.  I just don't know what to do and I feel like I'm running out of time.
• I blame working an exhausting full-time job for keeping me from finishing the writing and photography projects that I have going on.  Though, the truth is that I am a procrastinator.  Big time.  I keep myself from those things that I don't accomplish and I totally hate this about myself.
• I turned 36 last week and I just do not feel like I am where a 36 year old woman should be.  I do not have things figured out like I thought I would.  I'm beginning to wonder if I ever will.

I absolutely love that God knows me - the real me.  Reminding myself of this helps when I feel like I'm losing my sense of self.  This is a truth that I ground myself in.  It is a rock.  He is my rock. 

*I'm participating in the 2013 A to Z Challenge. Every day in April (except for Sundays) I will be posting according to a letter of the Alphabet. To read more about my theme, click here.

Xenodocheionology

xen·o·do·chei·on·ol·o·gy

noun \ˌzenədəˌkīəˈnäləjē\

 

: the lore of hotels and inns

The Sofia Hotel

In my other life, I would own a hotel.  I love them.  Nice ones.  Not the ones that are grungy and so dirty you can't walk around barefoot.  I love really nice hotels.  I never stayed at the Sofia Hotel in San Diego but I did have coffee in their lobby during my lunch break when I had jury duty.  It was great.

One of my favorite hotel memories is when my husband and I stayed at the Le Merigot in Santa Monica.  We walked into the hotel, on a red carpet and the door man (who was wearing a long-tailed tuxedo and top hat) opened the door for us and our scruffy dog, Floyd.  Floyd walked into that hotel like he owned it.  People stared but we didn't care.  Our dog deserves the best.  If you are ever in Santa Monica, I would highly recommend this hotel.

When I was living in California my husband tried talking me into going to Vegas but I just didn't want to go.  Nothing about the place appealed to me.  In the 2007 firestorm, we were sort of forced to evacuate San Diego because the air quality was so bad.  We drove east and ended up in Las Vegas. 

It was not what I expected.  I had a blast and I think the main reason was because I spent 10 hours going in and out of really amazing hotels.  I love everything about them:  the vacation-like feel you get as soon as you walk in, the beautiful furniture and art, sparkling clean rooms and how everything you could ever want is in one place.    
  

*I'm participating in the 2013 A to Z Challenge. Every day in April (except for Sundays) I will be posting according to a letter of the Alphabet. To read more about my theme, click here.

Waiting at the Dock

The Lord sends poverty and wealth; he humbles and exalts.

1 Samuel 2:7

 

Docked

 

Sometimes, I feel like I am waiting.  Waiting for the next chapter of my life.  Waiting to be better compensated for my hard work.  Waiting to grow my family.  Waiting for my dreams to come true.  Waiting for. . .

 

I think that we could always finish this sentence.  There's always something more, something else.  We're human after all.  We are driven, ambitious, always racing to the finish line.  It is not in our nature to be still.

 

Waiting at the dock isn't so bad, though.  This is when we get our bearings.  It's a time for rest and recuperation.  This is when we stretch and get our equilibrium.  Waiting is a necessary part of life.  It is when we become humble.  It is a time in our lives when we learn lessons that allow us to empathize with others.  Times of waiting make it possible for us to foster creativity and embrace uncertainty.  We can practice being still and quiet and reflective.   

 

 

*I'm participating in the 2013 A to Z Challenge. Every day in April (except for Sundays) I will be posting according to a letter of the Alphabet. To read more about my theme, click here.





Vintage Reflections

I find old things very interesting.  When I'm somewhere that is rich in history, I try to envision what it would be like to live during a different time.  Since I live in the nation's oldest city, this happens quite often.  The photo below is of different handles that were used in a steam room at the Alcazar Hotel (currently known as the Lightner Museum).  Hotel guests would pay anything from 50 cents to a couple of dollars for use of the health spa.  This hotel also housed the world's largest indoor swimming pool at the time.  Click here for more information about the history of the hotel.

Vintage Alcazar Hotel Handles

 

It was built in 1887 in the Spanish Renaissance style.  The health spa included a Turkish Bath, a steam room, a cold plunge, a massage room, a gym and a lounging room.  Now, the indoor pool is lined with antique shops and a really awesome eatery called the Alcazar Cafe.  I still love visiting this place as it is really easy to lose yourself in the details, beautiful architecture and ghost-like memories of past times that still linger throughout. 

 

Old things.  Vintage things.  They remind me of how we have both grown and regressed as a society.  I'm reminded of how important our history is - the bad and the good.  When I walk through the hallways at the old Alcazar Hotel, I think about drinking tea and playing croquet.  Maybe taking a dip in the pool and going for a horse-drawn carriage ride through the cobblestone streets in St. Augustine (even though they still do this today).  It'd just be different back then without cars and scooters passing by. 

 

Enjoying history is a wonderful way to be reflective and in the moment.  I wish that everyone took advantage of these types of wonders in our own backyards.  They are great places to go with family and friends or even by ourselves to journal, capture moments with our cameras or just savor our nation's history.

 

 

*I'm participating in the 2013 A to Z Challenge. Every day in April (except for Sundays) I will be posting according to a letter of the Alphabet. To read more about my theme, click here. 

Under a Bridge

I get a weird feeling when I'm under a bridge. How often am I under a bridge you might ask? Often enough that I know I get a strange feeling. It's part anxiety, part curiosity and part awe.

Bridge Reflections

I think that the weird under-a-bridge feeling comes from the integration of nature and industry. Two opposing forces that, in my mind, are still trying to co-exist with each other. When I reflect on this photograph, I think about what I really need.  We think we need a lot more than we actually do. Society/industry tells us we need stuff.  The latest technological gadgets, digital photo frames, garlic presses, espresso machines, iPods, different styles of shoes, comfortable furniture, a variety of colorful dish towels.  These things enhance our lives, they don't define them.  I never want to lose myself in things - this really is a fear of mine.  I've sold almost everything I own twice in my life and I would do it again.  It's a very cathartic experience. 

My mom bought me the coolest book for my birthday.  It's The Official Nancy Drew Handbook: Skills, Tips & Life Lessons From Everyone's Favorite Girl Detective.  This is a great book.  One of the clues to success in relationships and life is How to Savor the Important Things in Life, Like a Rich Cup of Hot Cocoa.  There are seven tips on how to do this:

1. Having something hot.  I will always choose coffee.
2. Take in nature.  This is so true - life is different when you take the time to savor nature whether it's the beach, a forest, the desert or a park.
3. Keep your cool.  I've learned that when I'm calm and practicing patience, I see things in an entirely new light.
4. Help others.  It feels good to help others - this is what I love most about working in social services.  I absolutely know that my hard work is benefiting someone else.  Not every moment of every day but definitely more often than not.
5. Start fresh tomorrow.  I love this and completely agree that knowing we have tomorrow sure makes it easier to get through rough days.
6. Talk with friends.  Friends, family and colleagues give us different perspectives on things.  Where would we be without them?  If we look close enough, we see our true selves in their eyes.
7. Share your success.  I truly believe that we do nothing on our own.  There's always someone to thank for a success, a person who helped us get where we are.  For example, my husband supported me while I was in graduate school by doing little things (making me dinner on late nights, taking care of the house when I had no energy to clean and giving me space when I needed to study or write a paper). 

When I think about what I need versus what I think I need, I become more grounded.  I become more thankful of the simple things in life, the important things.  Like my husband and dog, walking the beach, the comfort I get from being wrapped in my worn out baby blanket, savoring a bold cup of coffee, the soothing sounds of the ocean, grilling veggies, eating watermelon and utilizing quiet time in my home to connect with God.

How do you savor the important things in life?


*I'm participating in the 2013 A to Z Challenge. Every day in April (except for Sundays) I will be posting according to a letter of the Alphabet. To read more about my theme, click here.

Tranquility: Reflecting on Presence

Tranquility is important to me.  It is extra important on a day like today.  I was conflicted about my post for today.  April 23 is an emotional day for me as it is both my birthday and the anniversary of my dad's death.  I wrote about my memories of my dad's death during last year's A to Z Challenge and I'm glad that I did.  Click here if you'd like to read it.  This year, I feel like reflecting on my dad's presence, not his death. 



Tranquility on the Bay Front

He was a very calm person.  The kind of person you could just sit next to without feeling obligated to engage in conversation.  It's a bit difficult to describe his presence but I think of words like peaceful, kind, humble, passionate.  He was the sort of dad who you were proud of.  Not for any specific reason but just because he was his own person.   

He was funny.  He would do things that seemed so out of character for him but would make you laugh so hard your stomach hurt.  Once when I was a child, we went to the beach.  I guess that it wasn't planned because my dad didn't have his bathing suit with him.  So, he just stripped down to his bikini underwear.  No big deal.  They looked just like Speedos. 

He loved desserts and would make my sister and I order dessert when we went out to eat, even if we didn't want it.  That way, he could eat them and not feel guilty for ordering three pieces of pie.

When I graduated high school, my parents hosted a big graduation party for me.  My dad catered the party and bought me a really cool graduation dress.  He was really good at planning parties and events.  He even planned my mom's wedding when she married my step-dad.  Both he and my mom made being a child of divorced parents very easy.

I took this environmental education class in high school and one of our field trips was spending a few days in Key West.  I had never traveled without my parents as they were quite protective.  My dad booked a room in Key West during the time that I was there just in case I needed something.  He met us out for dinner one night and I never felt weird about it.  I actually really enjoyed spending time with him and, even then, I appreciated his protectiveness.

Seventeen years ago my life changed.  I experienced my first major trauma the day my dad died.  It seems like forever ago.  I miss him.  I'm happy that I can still remember him.  I still remember his scruffy beard, the way he would hang on to my sister and I at family events to mask his insecurity, the flannel shirts that he would wear no matter what season it was, how he would make my sister and I cover our eyes during scary parts in movies, that he loved his family unconditionally and he connected with God prior to his death.

I know that I am like my dad in many ways.  We share similar personalities and I hope that his presence will stay with me as long as I'm alive.  If I ever have a child, I pray that I am able to share my dad with my son or daughter.  That he or she will know my dad through me.  Remembering him and sharing him with others is how I will keep his presence alive.

*I'm participating in the 2013 A to Z Challenge. Every day in April (except for Sundays) I will be posting according to a letter of the Alphabet. To read more about my theme, click here.



Slipping on Seaweed

This stuff is slippery.  Trust me.  I know from personal experience.

Slippery

I stumble, slip and trip a lot.  I wear flip flops almost every day (except to work and only because they're not allowed) and they tend to become slippery when it rains in Florida (which is often).  One day, I was walking with my husband across the parking lot of a very busy grocery store and my flip flop broke.  It actually broke.  I slipped, almost doing the splits, in front of a car that stopped to let me cross in front of it.  It was a very embarrassing moment.

I think that my husband was embarrassed too because he just kept walking until I yelled for him to come back for me.  What is it about embarrassing moments that make them easier to cope with when someone else is with you?

I did my graduate work in leadership studies and I am absolutely fascinated with the practice and  theories of leadership.  One of the characteristics that I feel is important when we are exercising leadership is the ability to laugh at ourselves.  Having the confidence to admit when we messed up and move forward with humor and a new sense of purpose.  Not ignoring the embarrassing moments but embracing them with humility and dignity.  Now, this is courageous.  Maybe the next time I slip in front of others, I'll try not to call out for someone else and utilize the embarrassing moment to enhance my leadership capacity.

*I'm participating in the 2013 A to Z Challenge. Every day in April (except for Sundays) I will be posting according to a letter of the Alphabet. To read more about my theme, click here.
     



Renewal

Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.  Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is -
his good, pleasing and perfect will.

 

Romans 12:2

East Coast Sunset

I love the concept of renewal and rejuvenation.  I like starting over, doing something new.  Sunsets and sunrises are perfect examples - every day is a new day.  I remind myself of this all of the time.  I had a couple of lazy and exhausted weeks.  Weeks that were unproductive and unhealthy.  Weeks that have become a catalyst for renewal.  I don't necessarily enjoy these kind of moments or days or weeks but they do have significance because I sincerely believe that from darkness comes light. 

During these dark times, I feel vulnerable and I embrace this vulnerability because it is a part of life.  We have to accept the bad as well as the good.  I took a few Human Relations courses during my graduate work and one of my professors was a Catholic nun.  I remember her telling our small group that when we are doing adaptive work, we must connect with everything around us, including the "shit".

When we transcend darkness, we can be renewed and rejuvenated.  We can focus on the really important things in life.  It is during times of renewal when our minds become clear and we can see glimpses of the big picture.  Most importantly, we become more open to God and we are freed up to listen to Him.  To hear what He is telling us, not what we are telling ourselves. 

*I'm participating in the 2013 A to Z Challenge. Every day in April (except for Sundays) I will be posting according to a letter of the Alphabet. To read more about my theme, click here.    


 

Quaint Cottage Reflections

This is a hidden garden behind a store on St. George Street. The store is a gift store full of wind chimes, garden decorations, wall hangings, coffee mugs, jewelry, etc. You wouldn't even notice this garden and quaint cottage in the back unless you walked into the store (or you're a local).

Quaint Cottage

I love being a local in a tourist town (well, sometimes) because I know about all of the city's secrets and hidden spots. I know where to park without having to pay, if I have to use the restroom I know which ones to go to that are nice and clean, I get into various tourist attractions for free and when I pass by certain places I am flooded with wonderful memories.

Like this quaint cottage located at the back of a small garden. My husband and I come here sometimes and just sit and take everything in. One day, we sat in the garden for a while and listened to Celtic music that was playing across the street.

There's a small park on the residential end of St. George Street that most people never see. I think many people walk by without even noticing it. This is where I got married. It looked very different when the walkways were lined with vases filled with water and floating candles and sprinkled with purple rose petals. There were candles and twinkle lights everywhere - it was very beautiful. Sometimes, I go to the park to reflect on my marriage and my amazing husband.

When walk on the grounds of the Castillo de San Marcos (or what locals refer to as "the fort"), I don't think about the battle that took place almost 450 years ago. I think about the night my husband proposed to me. I think about the fort being my dog's most favorite place. He used to play in the grass and run up and down the hills when he was a puppy. There's a point that looks out over the water. You can see the Atlantic Ocean and the Bridge of Lions (a beautiful historical drawbridge). My husband wants his ashes sprinkled here when he dies. It's one of his favorite places.

These are quaint places for me - they feel cozy and bring me good thoughts. They are full of beautiful memories and I am very appreciative of their ability to foster moments of reflection.

*I'm participating in the 2013 A to Z Challenge. Every day in April (except for Sundays) I will be posting according to a letter of the Alphabet. To read more about my theme, click here.

Patriotism

I love this country.  I love the men and women who fight for our country and for what is right.  My grandfather, my dad, my cousin, my friends who all served in the armed forces.  The Navy, the Army, the Marine Corps are all represented in my small circle of friends and family.  I'm so proud of them for serving because they felt it was the right thing to do.  They are so courageous.
    

Flag at Fort Matanzas

Patriotism is my grandfather who enlisted in the Navy when he was only 17 years old and lied about his age.  He was supposed to have been shipped to Pearl Harbor but got sick and couldn't go.  What would have happened if he did? 

Patriotism is my 94 year old friend who fought in the Battle of Bastogne (i.e. Band of Brothers) and was part of the group who visited Hitler's palace.  He's amazing and his life is so full.  This man is still very sharp, funny, loving and the best storyteller you will ever meet.  He is part of America's history.

Patriotism is my dad who served in Vietnam and never, ever talked about it.  He was the most peaceful man I  know and I'm sure that being in the war caused him a lot of conflict.  This is one of the things I wish I would have asked him about when he was still alive.  I so admire his loyalty. 

Patriotism is my friend from high school who served in the Army and was killed in Afghanistan.  He was special forces and was involved in things that we can't imagine.  When he died, he left a wife, two children, many brothers and sisters, nieces and nephews, and a very proud mom and dad.

Patriotism is my cousin who served as a sniper in the Marine Corps.  He enlisted at 18 years old as an insecure boy and after eight years became a kick-ass solider and an amazing man.  When he hugs me, it actually hurts because he is so strong.  His values about courage, freedom, duty and love of one's country are so very beautiful. 

What does patriotism mean to you?

*I'm participating in the 2013 A to Z Challenge. Every day in April (except for Sundays) I will be posting according to a letter of the Alphabet. To read more about my theme, click here.