The last couple of weeks have been sort of heavy. Not in a bad way. Just days filled with deep thinking and reflection. Some of them have been stressful. Others have been sad. A few days have felt strange and confusing.
I have an old friend going through a challenge - her first baby has a fatal diagnosis. She and her husband have decided to carry their son to term. Since finding this out, I have been in utter awe of her strength. I keep asking myself what I would do. Could I be that strong? I just cannot get her out of my mind. I pray for her and her baby almost every day.
I'm in awe of her strength but I'm also scared. I am afraid that I might have come to a realization that I will probably never have a baby. I am not ready to be a mother. I don't know why. I'm just not. But this makes me very sad at the same time.
I have been in a strange place regarding my career for over a year. I have no idea what my purpose in life is. Which translates to not knowing what I am supposed to do for work. This completely stresses me out. I am exhausted doing what I do. I feel deflated. Do you know this feeling? It's knowing that you are absolutely, without a doubt, positive that something in your life needs to change but not knowing what that change is. It's out there. You can almost reach it. Almost.
I am in womanhood limbo. It both sucks and it also rocks. It seems that as women, we are continually exploring who we are - testing limits, experimenting, growing, failing, succeeding, acknowledging our weaknesses while embracing our strengths at the same time. It's just so much. Some days, it's too much.
I don't know how to get past something like this. Do you just think yourself through it? Pray to God? Be patient? I'm really not sure.
So, instead of trying to figure out the answer, I decided to make peach cobbler for dessert. It's gluten-free and has just a hint of Kahlua in it. I haven't tried it yet but it smell delicious. I'm hoping that it will make being a woman a little bit easier, even if it's just for tonight.