Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Hello, Mr. Fear

Gosh, I haven't seen you in a while.  I think that the last time I saw you, I was in grad school and dealing with issues such as competency, finding balance, writing 20 page papers after I had worked all day, lacking energy for three long years and a whole lot of stress.  Now that I'm thinking of changing my life again - you show up.  You definitely know how to crap on my parade.  I was all excited about embracing my dream of being free and living on a boat so I start reading about becoming a live aboard and who shows up?  You. 

I've been reading this book that I actually purchased over a year ago - The Essentials of Living Aboard a Boat by Mark Nicholas.  The author presents a very holistic view of the lifestyle and has been helping me prepare.  I'm learning about seacocks, anchoring, the U.S. Coast Guard, sewage, boat safety and sanitation, among other things.  Now that I am cramming my head with all of this brand new information - the only natural thing for me to do is get a visit from good old Mr. Fear.  Thanks, you freaking asshole. 

I am filled with anxiety about giving up my privacy as a liveaboard and the search and seizure laws that will apply to me.  I am also afraid of propane leaks, carbon monoxide poisoning, seacocks not turned in the right direction, the fact that I'm not sure what a through-hull is, sinking, mildew and learning how to navigate.  What happens if our engine quits?  I don't know how to use a radio.  Is everyone on the same channel?  Don't even get me started on the whole sewage issue.  Discharge and non-discharge zones, pump out services, macerators.  How the hell am I supposed to know what to do?  I just figured that living on a boat would sort of be like camping.  When your black and grey water tanks are full - you go dump them.   

You visit me at 3:30 in the morning, wake me up from a deep sleep and try to get me to change my mind.  Well, have you forgotten that I loathe being told what to do?  Screw you.  I am going to use your unwanted visit to become an expert boater and safe liveaboard.  I'm warning you to get the hell out of my life.  If you try to wiggle your way into my life again, I am going to kick you in the keester.  Then, I will meditate on all of the reasons why I want to change my lifestyle:         

  • freedom from being tied down
  • enjoying a brand new experience with my husband and dog
  • less clutter
  • fresh air and lots of sunshine
  • having no choice but to simplify
  • cheap waterfront property
  • being able to change my surroundings whenever I want
  • the purity of water 
  • because I am afraid and I never want to regret not doing something because of fear
  • life is short - why not?


    1. kudos to you.

      i lived for years and years paralyzed by fear. the fear of failure, of not being good enough or smart enough or kind enough or funny enough or brave enough.

      but, i realized that as long as i was fearful, i would be all of those things and more because i wasn't letting myself grow and experience things.

      looks like you're well on your way to a life without fear.

    2. Thanks, Elizabeth. Embracing fear really is liberating.